I want a baby and he doesn't
Posted by: Anonymous on
March 12, 2010
Hi, I am currently with a man who is in his early 40's and I am 30. I would like to have at least one child in my future, but he is very uncertain.
How can I get past this issue without feeling totally rejected? Should I even continue to be with this guy, or move on to someone who wants what I want?
We have always disscussed this and it has always been an issue, but he wants to buy a house, I cannot be locked into such a huge 30 year deal with someone who, in the long run, doesn't want the same things I do. Can you suggest a way for me to:
a) stop being upset and hope he comes around or
b) we never should have gotten together in the first place?
Do I trust in him and that he will want to make me happy, or is that foolish and I should move on with someone more like me? Please, if you can suggest anything at all, it would really help me out.
Thank you, Mel
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L.A. says:
Hi, I feel for your situation and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is one of the top deal breakers, as it should be. I'm in my 40's and wouldn't consider even dating someone with young kids. I love babies and children, I'm just too old for them full time at this point in my life. My energy level and frame of mind has changed. Don't get me wrong, having a child was/is the happiest time in my life and my greatest accomplishment. She's 19 now and doing great in college, I am so proud of her in every way. That said, don't cheat yourself out of that experience if this is truly what you want. He may be selfish and want to keep you (his younger lady) around to take care of him as he's aging, make him feel young, flaunt his younger lady around, etc. No offense, but sometimes the reason men date younger women are for selfish reasons. He should've been looking closer to his own age range especially if he doesn't want kids for people to date. However, he may care more about himself than your most important needs/wants as a woman. Fertility declines rapidly around age 35 so unfortunately, females do have that clock. Also, it's a well-known fact that men can impregnate women in their older ages but after 40, their "contribution" is problematic to the success of the pregnancy and the health of the baby. Read articles like this one:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/06/050621095150.htm
Therefore, even if he (a) reluctantly agrees, please be aware of this. Even if the pregnancy is successful, it's likely you'll feel like a single mother. It's so much more ideal to bring a baby into this world with 2 parents who love and welcome them.
I feel for you in this situation. You obviously love this man but I don't see how you could continue to be happy with him knowing you got cheated out of a very important part of life because of him.
b) You can't undo the past, know that you loved and learned something from this. The most important thing about having a successful relationship(other than the obvious - getting along, being attracted to each other, etc.)is about having similar goals. This goal is the most important one in life you can make. I know it's hard and temporarily heart breaking to move on but this would be the only way to try to make your goal and dream come true. Best wishes to you! L.A.
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