When I was growing up, I kept waiting for the time to roll around when everything I was supposedly learning would evolve into some kind of wisdom, some kind of evidence that I’d actually aged over a period of time.  To my unpleasant surprise, this never really occurred.  If anything, things seem to get harder! 

I also noticed with chagrin that most other so-called adults were in similar states of bewilderment and helplessness when met with life’s ups and downs.  Not to mention, the ups and downs associated with dating seem to magnify in importance as time passes; i.e., the complete opposite of getting easier.

At least I know I’m not alone.  Many people wrote to me in response to my article advising everyone to leave their exes in the past, Keeping Old Boyfriends In The Past.  Despite saying that they agreed with my article, many people were wondering if there were ever circumstances that would merit contacting an ex.  Many also said that they were about to reach out to an ex and didn’t based on what I had written, which I have to admit made me a little nervous!

I constantly worry about being a hypocrite in my own life, as well as my Singled Out life here.  While he wasn’t really an ex in the traditional sense, I did give Henry another chance, and I think it was for the best.  We’re still working through things, and it’s not all fun and games, but I don’t think it would have been the right call to cut him out of my life all together.

I’m also terrified of letting you all down and giving anyone an excuse to contact a definitively undeserving ex, so here are some new things to consider before you get in touch with an ex.

Giving Up or In?

There’s a huge difference between giving up on someone and giving in to the terrible way this person treats you.  Nobody just ends relationships because they feel like it.  I mean, seriously, we’re all spending so much time and energy trying to be happy and fulfilled, so if you had those feelings, why would you just throw them away?

I suppose exceptions would be people with addictions or emotional problems, but depending on your role in the relationship, it might not be healthy for someone with heavy issues to be dating anyway.  Or there’s couple’s counselling.  It’s your call.

Aside from that, don’t kid yourself!  If you broke up with someone, you weren’t happy.  It’s extremely easy to convince yourself otherwise, or that the issues you had weren’t that important, or that maybe things will change.  On Tina Fey’s truly hilarious show, 30 Rock, she gets back together with her ex-boyfriend because he’s the only one who remembered her birthday.  Sweet, yes, but it didn’t change the fact that he sold beepers, made scenes at restaurants and had absolutely nothing in common with her.  Plus, he set her apartment on fire.  But I digress.

You can go ahead and learn the hard way if you prefer, but if someone treated you badly or didn’t make you happy, and you go back to them, what kind of message does it send that person?  You are basically telling them that you don’t think highly enough of yourself to deserve something mutually gratifying and you’re willing to go another round with this person.

Are There Exceptions?

There must be exceptions.  Sometimes relationships end based on things truly out of our control.  Maybe you broke up with your boyfriend because he moved out of town and maintaining a long distance relationship just wasn’t feasible for either of you.  He has since returned, and after running into him on the street, it’s clear that you both still have feelings for each other.

Many people also break up over emotional or sexual issues that would simply require some direct honesty and maybe the assistance of therapy.  There’s no shame in taking help from professionals, especially when things happen to our minds and bodies that we can’t seem to control ourselves.  Learning the skills to maintain your own happiness is directly linked with happiness in relationships.  You aren’t admitting failure by asking for help, you are investing in your future.