We human beings aren’t always known for our sparkling rationality. Along with opposable thumbs and a penchant for salty, fatty, sweet foods, we also have emotions. Ridiculously embarrassing, beautifully maddening, complicated emotions.

Perhaps the only thing stronger than feelings themselves is the urge to analyze and understand them.  We’re such arrogant creatures, aren’t we?

Love, true love, a real connection, meaningfully and mutually shared lives - this is not just a goal, but the goal for many.  A lofty, ambitious dream with countless expectations, hopes and desires pinned bravely to its intangible but enticing form.  Every new relationship comes replete with blooming optimism and a promise for a sweet hereafter.  This may be the light at the end of the tunnel for many, but the journey through this tunnel is often bumpy, with more than one dead end and a couple of bad crashes.  What’s worse than dealing with the crash? Everything that follows. 

In relationships, we must endure the same trying times. It often takes much mental anguish, consideration and often pain just to go through with The Break Up and then suddenly, we must confront the rupture in our lives and face The Aftermath.

There’s nothing like The Aftermath. It is a raging beast, a mental prison, a losing battle against all logic, sense and peace.  We all know these feelings, these feelings of desperation and loneliness, which are quite shameful and can lead to some of the worst, most humiliating episodes and thoughts in our lives.  Very few of us ask to live or feel this way. 

A woman wrote to me fed up with this undesirable frame of mind. Why does this happen? Her plaintive cry is not to be ignored. She, like many of us, knows her break ups have been for the best – she may even have initiated them, yet still, she is left with these dissonant emotions, her mind and her heart yanking her in opposite directions, refusing to leave her be. Where do these intruding feelings and inexplicable mental demons come from? And why is the brain, the centre of our being, logic and reason, so pathetically unhelpful in such matters?!

Getting through a break up is not easy.  Human beings are creatures trained to desire comfort, routine and stability.  Although life may not have been perfectly rosy, it had been familiar, it had been consistent.  Even if your relationship was consistently awful, this is still what your system, mind, heart and body have all grown to expect.  Another thing growing in your mind may have been a comparison, the contrast between what your ideal mate would be like and the person you are with and who you’ve grown apart from, whose love you no longer desire.  Often, in order to identify this distance from what you are looking for, you compare your current partner to the ideal relationship you crave and deserve.  Upon realizing that you are not happy in your situation, that it does not reflect the needs and fulfillments of what a true connection can bring, you decide to end your relationship. There is more for you! You have a better life waiting! Goodbye Past Love, I must move on to greener pastures!  I can’t wait! I’m free!

But wait.  This ideal love isn’t waiting around the corner for you, ready to whisk you off to a dreamy land of perfection. You have done the right thing, you have left the wrong person, but now you are alone.  This isn’t a bad thing, this is what you tell yourself over and over, but your feelings, well, your feelings feel differently. 

The vicious cycle of mental interrogation begins. 

Was this the right choice?
Yes.

So why do I feel miserable?
I don’t know, why DO you feel miserable?

I don’t want to be miserable!
You shouldn’t be! This is what you wanted!

So why do I feel miserable?
Leave me alone!

But you don’t want to be alone, do you?  It’s hard not to feel alone after a break up.  It’s like being in a foreign country.  You think it will be easy, exciting even, an adventure; maybe you’ve been there years before, so you think you will be ready.  But soon you notice all the small differences you have been taking for granted.  Things aren’t the way you expect them to be, small daily conveniences have gone unnoticed. When you need directions, suddenly it’s not so easy to find someone to ask and you can’t understand the map you’ve been given.  You need time.  Time to transition into this new territory, to readjust to a different set of rules and language.  We means I in this country, and that is just the beginning.

It won’t be easy navigating this new land, but you will do it, just as millions of others have done it before.  There is no use trying to rely on logic, because logic alone won’t help in this situation.  Humans have both minds and hearts for a reason: we need them to work together.  Your senses may play tricks on you at times, but soon they will become our friends again and see the way of the mind as you slowly learn to embrace your new life.

The only thing which has ever really given me a small amount of comfort during the height of Aftermath Hell is that I’ve visited it before and so has nearly everyone on this planet. Yet, we are all still walking around, traveling new ground and much better off for it.  The Aftermath may be a frustratingly irrational mechanism, but it’s built into our framework and we can’t let it win. It’s a necessary evil to move from one routine to the next, from one land to another, where the grass really is greener.


Lyra Pappin is a columnist for The Soko and a staff writer for PopMatters.com.  Send feedback to lyra (at) thesoko (dot) com.