Become a Vegetarian

Why didn’t I say start smoking?  Because smoking is dangerous, duh!  But really, a woman will feel compelled by guilt to try and save you from your newly developed smoking habit.  But women don’t try to save vegetarians, they just leave them!

And who could blame them?  Have you ever tried cooking for or going to a restaurant with a vegetarian?  Talk about a buzz kill!  It’s amazing how a vegetarian in the room can make your steak taste worse.  Plus, her friends are going to exile her from all their social functions just because they’ll be afraid she’ll bring you.  Dating a vegetarian is the modern version of dating a leper and speaking of diseases… 

You Might Have Herpes

It seems an old fling has called you up to inform you that you may have herpes.  When you tell your girlfriend this, insist that you’re relationship together is too valuable to be compromised by this minor issue.  Tell her that you’re willing to work through this and use every precaution necessary to continue to enjoy your sex life together.

At this point she’ll probably have manoeuvred her way to the other side of the room. She’ll nod, smile and then run screaming to the nearest clinic to get tested.  Then you’ll never see her again.  Voila!  Of course, you basically have to be willing to move after this because she’s going to tell everyone in the city that you have herpes.

Hire an Actor

Most guys looking for a reason to dump their girlfriends aren’t lucky enough to catch her cheating.  But a real man makes his own luck!  Go down to the local community theatre and hire an actor (and when I say “hire”, I mean say you’ll give them a reference.)

One day when you are out with your girlfriend, have this guy show up and confront you as if he was her secret mister (what’s the male version of mistress?)  Make sure he starts yelling for all to hear about how the two of them have been sleeping together behind your back and now he wants to run away with her.

She’ll deny it and pretend “not to know” this whacko but how can you ever trust her again?  Why would a complete stranger try to ruin your relationship?  It all sounds a little far fetched, don’t you think?  Break up with her on the spot and say you won’t stand in the way of their love.

Fake Your Death

Unfortunately, the internet age has made faking your own death so much more difficult than it used to be. Just ask Elvis (you heard me).  These days, any good private investigator can you find you in about thirty seconds with a Google search.

But a real man doesn’t accept obstacles; he turns them into competitive advantages!  The same technology that proves we are alive can just as easily be used to prove we are dead.  First decide how you’re going to die (I recommend fiery car crash), then get a graphics student to whip up a viral video of your car bursting into flames.  Throw that video up on YouTube right before you launch a Facebook memorial page in your honour. Then have some fake news articles up on popular blogs.

After that you’re just a closed-casket funeral and a plane ticket to Columbia away from getting out of your relationship without causing your girlfriend any pain or anguish.  Ta-da!