Explore
Sex is a varied thing. It's never the same for two people. It means something unique to everyone—everyone puts a different weight of importance on it. There is so much out there for you to learn. Never be afraid of sex. Try things you've seen on TV or heard your friends talk about. Read or watch porn together to see if there is anything you'd like to try as a couple. Don't banish sex to the bedroom—an entire new world opens up when you look at everything sexually.

Make sexual memories: do it in every room of the house, in your backyard, in your car. Sex is something to be shared—so talk to your partner and suss out his or her needs as well as your own.

Plan
Planning for sex might take some of the spontaneity out of it—but if you're rarely having it anyway, what have you got to lose? Make it an event to look forward to. Treat yourself on the day-of with a restaurant lunch or a pedicure. Give yourself something to anticipate and associate sex with spoiling yourself instead of seeing it like another job to be done. Chances are, once you actually start looking forward to 'sex days', you'll be much more likely to venture from the plan and enjoy other days together as well. 

Demand
Outside of a few no-no’s, you should be open to trying what your partner craves when it comes to sex (unless you are into it as well, no-no’s include things like bringing other people into the bed, anything involving pain, anything that will drastically change your perception of your partner or his/hers of you).

Even if you're uncomfortable with it, gauge your anxiety levels with a number from one to ten, or perhaps the stoplight method: green for go, yellow for proceed with caution, and red for stop. You have to have absolute trust in your partner to stop when you say—but also to continue when you say, without needing constant reassurance. In return, you must feel free to make your own demands.

In our society, women can feel like it isn’t their place to make sexual demands or to introduce new elements. But you don't have to live like that. Tell your partner what you want and how you want it to happen. If he seems 'yellow' about it, make sure you take care of his nervousness and don't let yourself get carried away—sex is about two people (in this case).

Saving the most important for last:

Talk
Communication is the most important part of sex. Each of these steps demands that you take action but none would be complete without discussion. Talking breeds comfort. Comfort breeds stability. Stability builds trust and trust means a balanced sex life.

Don't assume you know everything about your partner's needs or desires. Likewise, don't assume they know everything about yours. Sex isn’t something to keep to yourself—talk about it and share it. But don't just discuss the act—talk about how it makes you feel, what memories it brings about if any, what it means to you. Talk about what you like and why, and what you hate and why. Don't put up with a lame move your partner does just because they think you like it. Set them straight and start enjoying sex again.

It's very easy to fall into the trap of no sex or bad sex. But neither has to be your fate! By following these simple and fun directions, you can improve your sex life and your connection with your partner—because what is sex but the joining of two people, bringing them closer together? Sex can improve your marriage—and that's something you should both want to work for.

To contact Kathleen with questions, comments, or discussion, please email her at kathleendevries@live.com. She'd love to hear from you!