First, you may have wondered whether or not a relationship failed because you were in it to win.  No, I am not talking about winning in a baseball or hockey sense, but rather in the sense that you (or your partner at the time) were always attempting to one up each other.  Were you always looking for something go hold over your partner so that you would always have the upper hand in the relationship? Of course, that is for you to decide, but as you probably know now, an equal relationship with respect going each way may have been the answer. 

Other common reasons for relationship failure include a lack of trust (rightfully or wrongfully so), lack of communication, dependency on your partner (emotionally or financially, for example), lack of faith that happiness will never happen to you and of course, a lack of fighting (believe it or not, fighting can be a good thing). 

Whatever your reason(s) was for breaking up, there are things that you can do to learn from it.    

A Learning Exercise

If you have figured out what went wrong in a previous romantic relationship, it can bring on a sense of relief.  Yet, for some of us, even though we know what went wrong, the results of a relationship can still stick in our respective craws in terms of not getting anything out of it.  However, according to Dr.  Douglas LaBier, you can indeed take something away from a failed relationship. 

 Depending on who you ask, the study of history, including our personal histories is a means of learning from our past mistakes and by following Dr.  LaBier’s recommendation’s, you may be able to grow in your current or future romantic endeavors. 

Relationship Inventory

Dr.  LaBier entitles his recommendations for learning from failed romantic relationships the “Relationship Inventory.” The Relationship Inventory tells us to start by making a list of your past romantic relationships and then writing down why you were attracted to your partner at the time.  Ask yourself what qualities that person possessed that originally attracted you to them at that particular time in your life.  Were you a gear-head or someone attracted to gear heads that craved something hot and fast other than a muscle car?

After that, go into a bit of detail by hashing out what you think went wrong with the relationship.  Even though you may have done this in your head before, do so from your current, more mature perspective.  The “you” of ten years ago was most likely far less mature than the “you” of today.  At the same time, write down what that particular failed relationship taught you in retrospect.  Did you learn that young love can be anything but love? Finally, read over what you have written down and ponder what the difference between the “you” of yesteryear and the “you” of today in regard to how you handle romantic relationships. 

Hopefully, you will see clearly that past failed relationships have allowed you to evolve into someone that is more mature when it comes to such matters.  Most importantly though, this exercise should give you a clear idea of what you are looking for in a relationship in your current stage of life and maturity. 

Sources:
Psychologytoday.com 
Lifehack.org