Unique T-Shirts

What I mean by “unique” is any t-shirt that you would not be able to purchase from a reputable clothing store.  No, these are t-shirts that you would have to buy from obscure websites or at a vendor beside an arcade.  Pick up a few shirts that show off your affinity for very specific sci-fi television characters and superheroes and then take ‘em for a spin around the water cooler.

Not into sci-fi or superheroes? No problem, pick up a witty shirt that’s kind of offensive. I saw one the other day that said “Man-scaping, it’s not just for porn stars anymore”. That beauty is too confusing to get you in trouble with H.R. but it also shows your boss that you couldn’t be trusted not to say something crazy in an important meeting.  

Shorts

Generally, women look better the less they have on and men look better the more layers they have on.  Think about it, you could see a 300 pound man in a 3 piece suit and you’d still probably think he looks pretty good.  Hiding your disgusting body is just one more way that you could accidently find yourself in a high level job you have no interest in.
 
So break out a pair of shorts whenever you can!  If possible, look for shorts that are age inappropriate as well.  Go into a skateboarding store and see what the kids are buying and then pick up a pair for yourself!  Or just rummage through your old clothes until you find a pair of shorts left over from when you were a teen (the more pockets the better).  Not only will your body stay cool and comfortable while you’re at work but the matted hair on your leg will send the clear message that you lack the necessary credibility to speak with a client.

Earrings

I don’t understand this one myself, actually.  It’s just that on a subconscious level there’s something about a man wearing an earring that makes people think he is up to no good.  Maybe it’s because women wear earrings and nobody trusts them.  No matter the reason, you can rest easy knowing that even the most impressive year of work will fade into the background at the first sight of a shiny earring.

5 of the Same Shirt

Have you ever noticed a co-worker’s new red shirt and thought “that looks nice”?  Then the next day they are wearing the same shirt, only blue, and then the next day purple and so on and so on?  By the third week you realize that they went to a department store and bought five of the exact same shirt, non-descript shirts in different colours.  The message being sent is loud and clear; this man is willing to put exactly thirty-five seconds of thought into his wardrobe and has zero interest in being promoted.

You’re welcome guys.  These fashion tips will allow you to rot comfortably in your cubicle and allow you to maintain a certain level of unimportance.  Sure, there’s the off chance you could get a promotion that leads to a job with more money, more vacation time, a secretary, a golf club membership and a chance to retire early; but are you really willing to risk that? Flip-flop on, buddy!