Her Grandmother’s Birthday

I’m always stunned at how frequently friends tell me they are going to their girlfriend’s grandmother’s birthday party.  Why on earth would any man think his attendance is required or somehow expected at one of these things?  More importantly, who are these girlfriends who have the nerve to put pressure on their boyfriends to make an appearance at said event?

Something I hear a lot from friends is that their girlfriend said something along the lines of, “It would mean so much to her if you came.”  Bologna!  Try and think ahead a few decades to when you’re all decrepit and have grown grandchildren.  Would it even concern you in the slightest if their boyfriend or girlfriend was there?  No, you’ll probably just be happy to still be alive.  Which brings me to—

Funerals

Let me start off by saying that if you’ve been in this relationship for a while, you are obviously obligated to go to funerals of direct relatives and close friends.

But the grey area starts with distant relatives of hers’, acquaintances, and co-workers.  Or basically anyone else you’ve never met or barely knew.  If your girlfriend is putting pressure on you to go, then you might as well just do it.  There’s so many emotions attached to funerals that you can easily end up in a big fight if you refuse to go.

That being said, I put a lot of responsibility on the girlfriend in these scenarios.  It’s not easy to explain to your boss that you’re taking the day off to go to a funeral of a complete stranger.  Your girlfriend should be anticipating stuff like that before she asks you to go.  Otherwise she’s being inconsiderate.

Holiday Parties, Work and Family

Ahh the annual office holiday party.  So much fun!  Yeah right.  But the reason I say you’re obligated to go to this is I truly believe they mean a lot to women.  Your girlfriend sees her co-workers more than anybody else in her life and I think that has a lot to do with it.  This is the one time each year where she can show off the special fella (that’s you!) she's dating and prove to her office-mates that she does indeed have a life outside the office.

(Sidenote: These parties are also a good chance to get a good look at any male co-workers you’ve heard about but never seen. This is a great opportunity to put a subtle scare into them.  Nobody hits on the girl with a crazy boyfriend.)

Moving on to the family holiday get together.  Guess what, I don’t think you have to go to this!  Have you ever had a cat?  You know when they kill a mouse and then bring the dead body back to the porch to show it off to you, but really you would have preferred that they didn’t?  That’s what you are to her family; a gross, disfigured dead mouse.  She might want to show you off but nobody wants to meet you unless things have gotten extremely serious.

So there you have it.  The next time your girlfriend asks you to go her elderly relatives’ birthday party or her family’s present opening ceremony in December, you can simply tell her that I said you don’t have to go.  It’s a great solution because that way I take all the blame and she won’t be even slightly mad at you!  You’re welcome, slugger.