The Direct Approach To Relationship IssuesBy Stephanie Patulli [Relationships]
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If you’re unhappy in your relationship, make it better by asking for what you need. Stephanie Patulli demonstrates how being direct can benefit your relationship.  Silly as it is, many people have resentments towards their partners for not getting what they need in the relationship. You assume they know what you’re missing. If they keep neglecting your unfulfilled need, maybe you aren’t letting them know exactly how to make you happy. Why You Don’t Ask You may not be asking for something essential because you feel as though you’re providing your partner with that quality and they should mirror it back. A common way people “ask” for what they need is to lead by example. Often, we expect our partners to reciprocate our actions, which should be the case. However, your partner might be getting the quantity part of the equation wrong. For example, you want more affection from your partner. Instead of asking for it, you overload them with hugs and kisses. They may reciprocate your affection, but only in the moment (i.e. hug you back). If you don’t tell them you want them to initiate more affection, they may not know you want more attention in general, not just more attention right now. Another reason people don’t ask is because they are afraid to sound needy. Let’s say your partner needs a lot less affection than you do to be happy. They probably never ask for more. You’re afraid that if you ask, you’ll sound like the needy one in the relationship. Or you may be happy with all other aspects of your partner and all you need is one small adjustment. You’re afraid to hurt your partner or make them feel inadequate. But communicating will be better for both of you in the end. They may be surprised by the request at first, since they probably thought everything was fine between you. Try to soften the initial blow by sandwiching the request in between positive comments, like, “You’re always such a great listener. Would you mind asking about my day when I get home? I love telling you about it because you listen so well. It makes me really happy.” Ask The Right Way In the past, you might have had a bad experience with communicating something to your partner. You may have asked for something and your partner never delivered. This could be another reason you’re apprehensive about opening up. Before you blame your spouse, think back to how exactly you phrased your request. Let’s say your other half is sometimes late coming home from work. You wish they would call ahead to tell you. One night at dinner, you bring up the issue and ask if they can try harder to keep you in the loop. They seem to get defensive and you end up arguing. The next time they have to stay later at work, they don’t call to let you know. You feel let down and unheard. But how did you ask for what you wanted? Were you angry, scolding or condescending? The best time to bring up an issue is when you are both calm and happy. Don’t ask when your partner is tired or unable to fully understand your request. As mentioned above, compliments are a great way to ease into a request for more. Praise your partner for what they already do right, ask for something you need more of and then say something encouraging. Say something like this: “I really admire how hard you work and I know staying late is sometimes part of that. Would you mind calling ahead if you know you’re going to be late? I would really like that, so that way I could know when to have a nice dinner ready for us.” Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. When you point out everything your partner did wrong (“You never call me when you’re late.”), they will get defensive and might stop listening. When you put the emphasis on yourself and what you feel or want (“I would like it if you called me. It makes me feel important.”), your partner doesn’t feel attacked or ambushed. |
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