Sometimes when you’re single, you get bored.  While I’m fine not being in a major relationship, I do get antsy when there’s no man in my life at all.  There are a lot of excellent things about non-relationship interactions with men that I thoroughly enjoy, need and crave.  I miss flirting when there’s no one to tease and joke with and sometimes feeling this void can lead me down a misguided stroll through memory lane.  A stroll in glasses so rose-coloured they might as well be hot pink.

I get confused sometimes because people are always telling me that I’m too picky.  Friends say I’m the Jerry Seinfeld of girls.  Part of the problem could be that I take that as a compliment. I see no reason anyone should date a person who eats peas one at a time. Definitely undateable.

Anyway, sometimes I feel slightly concerned about this perceived persnickety predisposition, so I’ll think about giving people another chance.  I’ll look back and think I was too hard on someone or that maybe I could’ve gotten over this or that.  I don’t always intend to rekindle anything, I just start to feel bad and think maybe I should try to keep up the promise of friendship that is always offered at the ends of relationships.  Hell, maybe I could learn to eat peas one at a time too. 

Why I try to convince myself that a) I’ll change, b) these people will change or c) there’s any reason for either of us to change, is beyond me.  The only thing I’ve gotten out of these well-intentioned but ill-advised peace offerings is a litany of reasons to leave the past in the past.

Don’t make the mistakes I’ve made. Don’t call the boyfriend you broke up with because his idea of a great night is going to see a Bon Jovi tribute band while yours is David Byrne at Carnegie Hall and you now worry you’re too snobby. Don’t offer to bury the hatchet with the man who cheated on you because you were too harsh. Don’t even ask the gorgeous and nice but boring guy for your sweater back because you falsely hope he developed an interest in…something. 

You will never like Bon Jovi, you will never forgive terrible mistakes and you won’t miss the sweater.  All you will do is end up as I did last week, cursing yourself yet again for trying to rewrite history.

As I’ve done many inexplicable times before, I recently reached out to a former boyfriend, with quite vague and dubious intentions that I can’t elucidate entirely because I’m not clear on them myself. Needless to say, it didn’t go well and I really wish I would’ve just trusted that things end for a reason and there is absolutely no need to reintroduce someone into your present when they belong in your history. 

I say this now, but will I stick to it? In hoping that I do, I have compiled a list of reminders, tricks and tips to avoid putting on the pink glasses and hoping to change the past. 

1. Stereotype and Mock

Note the similarities between past boyfriends. Do they have an overwhelming commonality?  Remember this and imagine them doing something demeaning and unattractive as a group. For example: if they all liked country music, picture them dressed in spurs and hats, plowing horse manure at a place called “The Dud Ranch”.

Make your exes seem as unattractive as possible and hopefully you will be able to avoid emailing them at midnight and dealing with it the next Saturday night.

2. Avoid the Backslide

Refrain from thinking of your exes as human beings deserving of affection and consideration.  You might feel like you are “above” pettiness by offering to make amends, you might think you are climbing a ladder of forgiveness, but all you are really doing is ascending steps to a gigantic slide.  A slide that ruins all your progress and drives you back down into a pit of anger, frustration and bad sex. 

Just leave well enough alone.  There’s a reason you broke up. There’s even a reason if the two of you aren’t friends anymore.  You can’t be responsible for the management of anyone’s ego and if that person has lingering feelings of resentment toward you, just forget about trying to fix it.  I tried once, to explain myself to a former boyfriend. I went to great pains explaining that I never meant to make him feel bad about anything and I hope he didn’t secretly hate me all these years.  His response? “Cool”.

Suddenly I remembered why we broke up.

The highest step on the forgiveness ladder you should aim for is maybe “I No Longer Fantasize About You Trapped In An Elevator With Tom Cruise”.  Anything beyond that will lead to a backslide or a painful reminder that you are right not to care what this person thinks about you.