TheSoko.com - 4 Ways to Protect Your Emotions When Dating Online

What’s so wrong about finding love online? Lilian Sue explains why we need to protect ourselves when internet dating.

When I first encountered the notion of online dating, I was young and fairly green to the arena of dating in general. Just like nearly everyone in my social circle, I was under the impression that online dating was just for people who were ‘desperate’, to put it crudely. I didn’t think that someone who was young and successful would voluntarily use such a medium to find a relationship.

My perception changed when I found out that my older brother, a successful chiropractor with his own practice, had met my sister in-law, who, at the time, also had a successful career in television sales, through an online dating service. I thought to myself, “Ok, if my brother, who’s been on the dating circuit for the last 16 years, can find someone on this thing, then it’s worth a shot.”

Still, I wish that I could’ve had the knowledge then about online dating, and dating in general, that I do now. The following four tips are some of what I learned through a trial-and-error process of nearly a year participating in online dating.

Check Your Expectations

I decided to put this one first because I know how easy it is to have high expectations and get hurt because of it. Try hard to not automatically believe that just because you have a promising first exchange with someone online, through the phone or in person, that it translates into a second exchange. In spite of what people around me had told me, and what I believed about guys in the dating scene being deceptive and perhaps manipulative, I seemingly forgot that fact once I started with online dating.

Above all, always keep in mind that while the internet seems like a place where you and the other person can be open and free with your emotions, it’s also a place that allows for anonymity and lies to develop.

Put Extra Effort in to Your Profile

When it comes to profiles, online dating sites (such as Lavalife, the very first one that I joined) will have different sections such as dating, relationships or intimate encounters, based on what you’re looking for. However, in my experience, most guys who contacted me seemed to ignore where I’d placed my profile and approached me with all sorts of propositions (read: sexual flings).

That being said, it’s helpful to put down exactly what you’re looking for on your profile, along with your interests. Make it as funny or as quirky as you’d like, almost as if you’re describing yourself to a friend. Pay close attention to your profile picture. Pictures say a thousand words, as the saying goes, so make sure your picture doesn’t give others a perception of you that you don’t want them to have. I placed one of my graduation pictures as a profile pic, seeing as I thought it portrayed me in my best light, and yet, I still got unwanted attention. So that just goes to show you that an online dating profile is a thought process as much as it is a tool to connect with someone.

Gauge the Meeting and Follow-Ups

What’s really dangerous is thinking that the conversations you have had with the guy online or over the phone for a period of time mean you’ve already established a pseudo-relationship. Never assume anything until the point where you actually feel comfortable enough to sit down with the guy and have a conversation about the status of your relationship. Before then, there are no strings or titles attached.

I know it sounds like I’m being intentionally pessimistic, but I’ve made the mistake of thinking that just because a date seemingly went well and the guy said he wanted to see me again, it automatically meant things were going somewhere. The fact of the matter is, many of the guys who claimed this were never heard from again, so you need to protect yourself against the deceptions and manipulations that will be thrown your way.

Limit the Time you Spend

I can’t stress this last point enough, don’t spend all your time obsessing over your profile or a certain guy that you happened to meet on a site. In the beginning, I was so caught up in trying to find someone I could connect with, it seemed as though I didn’t have a life outside of it. It’s fine to have fun taking the initiative to contact as many people as you can, but there is nothing wrong with sitting back and allowing them to come to you, even if that means you have to stomach some unwanted advances.

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There’s absolutely nothing wrong with trying out online dating. What you have to be careful about, though, is to not get carried away. Be smart about what the other person brings to the table and hold fast to your own beliefs and values. Do keep in mind that although others may be successful with it, it may not be for you. After many errors, I was lucky enough to find the one I love to be with. But who knows, maybe if you shut down the computer and go outside, Mr. Right might be sitting in the coffee shop next door, waiting for you.